Currently, (at time of starting this post) I am propped up on my pillows with the TV on in the background, bouncing from one draft post to another. I’m on the floor (of course) sandwiched between my cats. I have a bunch of things on my mind work wise and another bunch about the refurb. I’m hoping I get myself up on time to answer the door to the builder- hopefully not in my pyjamas. I’m thinking about my breakfast tomorrow- particularly a certain little acai bowl from Pret (so good!) I’m also thinking what it would be like not to blog anymore.
All my spare energy used to be poured into blogging. Only, now it’s not. I want to be a healthier me because and this is even difficult to type ‘out loud’, because it’s painfully personal, but I have been struggling with infertility. This whole year has been spent tackling my Polycystic Ovaries. The year before that, I was going through a nice rigmarole of tests with my GP. I have drugs to try first before realistically, going down the IVF route.
1 in 10 women have this condition- it’s an Endocrine and Metabolic disorder which can affect your ability to have a baby. I have small little clusters of cysts on my ovaries, that means sometimes I don’t ovulate and sometimes I don’t even have a period at all and for months at a time. There’s no straightforward ‘cure’ for PCOS, just a system of managing it. It’s like, to fix this, I have to fix that and to fix that I need to do this…it’s very frustrating and it’s hard to stay committed all the time.
Oh, and sometimes, it causes a stubborn little hair to sprout from your chin. Just a heads up.
Enforcing these lifestyle changes has been hard, and I now realise, hard on the blog. I was turning down most blog invitations- no more cocktail evenings, no more latest restaurant fads. I used to get PR emails along the lines of:
“Hey! Want to come down one evening and sample our fried-chicken-beef-dripping-double-nacho-cheese-steak-french-fry Burger Sushi Roll?”
I would love to. My body can’t. For a time, I considered putting this on auto-response on my email
“Many thanks for your kind invitation, but my body hates me and won’t make a baby. On this occasion, I will regretfully decline your delicious sounding food and drink, for the sake of my baby making health. My uterus thanks you also.”
Eventually, those invites stopped coming. I also pulled down sidebar advertising, because I didn’t like the pressure of making sure advertisers were getting their money’s worth- ooh the pressure! Bit by bit, I stripped the blog down ‘commercially’ and even though I feel like I’ve been left far behind in the blogosphere, I’m actually pretty happy with my content. I’ve loved sharing photographs and I’ve loved writing longer, ramblier posts (sorry)
I’ve never felt like this was something I could share properly on here- to the point I made a small side blog as somewhere to vent and rant- but I realised, if I could see the direction on here was changing, then so can everyone else. So, this has been my secret. I also felt weird sharing it because cool girls are not meant to want or like babies- I feel like we are all meant to be #GIRLBOSS #FIERCE #SLAY #WHORUNTHEWORLD
But even Beyonce had Blue Ivy. Wanting to be a mother felt like my dirty secret as if admitting this would revoke my London living membership.
I can talk about going to therapy, but talking about this makes me squirm. At least, talking about it out loud does. As ever, if you have any questions you can email me- I am a fountain of useless facts and knowledge, and some of that even includes Polycystic Ovaries stuff!