Back in February, Robin brought me a voucher for a facial and massage at a spa just a few streets behind Selfridges. I only got round to booking it before the weekend and so this morning, off I toddled towards it. For some unknown reason, I booked in an early slot and battled my way through the morning rush hour sans makeup. I got to the spa, noted that it looked like an aquarium on acid, and went inside to sign in at Reception.


Since I had chosen a stupidly early appointment time, and without having had any breakfast or coffee, I walked up to Reception and confidently told them I was there for my Seafood Facial. Looking down at my printed voucher, I could see that it read Seaweed Facial but my brain translated this as Seafood.

Moments later my friendly beauty therapist- let’s call her Irina- bellowed hello to me and beckoned me to follow her downstairs and into a treatment room. She was like a brusque Russian grandmother and I loved her already. I didn’t even need the facial at this point, I just wanted her to cluck and fuss around me for the next hour over tea. After helping me onto the massage table, she kept patting my face and uttering “ohmygaaash, berry nice” See? Loved her. Then she gave me a black velvet scrunchie that was probably from the actual 90’s and not American Apparel to tie my hair up because as usual, I came unprepared.

First, I had my back, neck and shoulders massaged and I felt like a loaf of doughy bread but in a good way. I bet Irina also baked amazing bread. My stomach rumbled over the thought of bread. Irina chuckled at me and patted my face some more.

Then a towel was wrapped around my head and what was probably a breakfast pot from Pret scrubbed onto my face. Irina told me it was honey, almond, oats and…yep most likely a Pret Bircher Bowl. As she scrubbed the bircher bowl into my face and pores, hot steam billowed over my face. I took deep breaths, because I think that’s what you’re meant to do.

After removing the oaty mix from my face, she applied the Seafood/Seaweed gel all over. The gloop was thick and cold and reminded me of that OOH! you get when you wade into a cold pool. Once it was on, she turned out the lights, tucked me into bed like I was her grandbaby, and left me alone in the dark for 15 minutes. Just me and my thoughts for 15 minutes.

Not cool.

This is why I am a terrible sleeper. I find it really hard to switch off and will jump from thought to thought at a 100mph. I found myself humming Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is.

15 long minutes later, Irina returns and peels the seaweed mask off my face, much like I used to do when I was at school and would paint glue over my hand to peel off. The satisfaction! Whooo!

Irina oohed and ahhed over how much fresher I looked, cupped my chin and told me to come back soon. I will, Irina. I will.

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  • It’s funny how everyone talks about how they have had a massage, but I’ve never had a professional massage ever in my life.

  • That sounds amazing. I love peel-off face masks purely for the fun of peeling them off, so am deeply intrigued by the idea of someone else peeling it off for me.

  • I feel like a twat on the tube without make up too. Also, I really want bread after reading this!

  • This is how EVERY beauty review should sound! Love love love it!!

    • haha! Thank you Abigail!! Really, all credit goes to Irina for making it an oaty-licious experience!

  • The best facial story going!!!

  • Sounds fabulous! Can’t beat a nice spa day right?! I had a massage recently, haven’t had a facial for ages! xx

    • i hardly ever treat myself to one, and if I do, I usually opt for a massage over a facial. Despite the silliness, I really did enjoy this!