Hey Past Me. This is Future Me. Future Me wants to tell you all the things that Past You should know, but don’t yet know. Confused? Always. Just go with it and read this little letter, because the weather’s turned (and you know how the cold weather makes you craycray) you’ve made your upteenth cup of tea and it’s not even noon. I won’t spoil it and tell you the flat lies in dusty ruins around you. Whoops. Sorry.
-Plucking the grey hair that mysteriously sprouted the minute you turned 21 will not mean you will transform into a silver fox overnight. Pluck away chicken!
– You have about 5 years before your metabolism suddenly shifts and you will no longer be able to eat what you want. Don’t even stare at that plate of chips unless you want to add another chin to the party.
– Nick and Jessica will divorce in a couple of years, so STOP BUYING JESSICA SIMPSON STUFF.
-Do not take a job that comes with a work Blackberry. Just don’t.
-In the future, less is not more when it comes to brows. Put away the tweezers.
-I know you can’t part with it now, but you do stop wearing Barry M’s glittery green Dazzle Dust on your eyes.
–Get the cat
-In fact, just get all the cats
-You’ll still feel like the girl obsessing over Kings of Leon, eating Coco Pops at 3am, wondering if one wristband on each wrist is too much (yeah it is) even when you turn 30. Yeah. 30 MF!
-In the future, denim gets tighter and higher. Make the most of those low slung jeans and flashes of builder’s bum- you’ve got years of cutting off circulation to your ankles and feeling like you’ve squished your stomach into your lungs (Topshop Jamie Jeans will help, trust)
-For god’s sake, learn to say No you damn people pleaser you. It’s that or therapy hahanobutseriously
-You are still shit at sending Birthday and Christmas cards. Just accept it.
-Baking gets better; those ‘batter’ cakes whipped up in a student kitchen will be thought of fondly but you’ll take that Chocolate Orange sponge cake over it any day.
– Wifi baby. No more queuing up to use Luan’s blue iMac with dial up.
You will no longer feel guilty for preferring to be snuggled at home watching repeats of Gilmore Girls/Harry Potter/Netflix (it’s a thing, you’ll love it) You’ll fully embrace being on the path to crazy cat lady-dom. You’ll stop trying to wear heels.
However, I am sad to report that your smartphone won’t ever compare to your Nokia 3210, ‘Dirrty‘ is peak Christina Aguilera, your hair is no longer fire engine red, and you will still be obsessed with the Followills.
You still won’t have all the answers, despite the mystique that people in their 30’s have it much more together (It’s a myth, we’re all lying)
Despite all this, you are going to love the dirty thirties my friend. Embrace it all.
(but errr hiding that cat you will eventually get, from the landlord…not such a good idea just fyi)